It’s not all almond cakes and champagne being a Vampire.
Immortality?
That’s a point, but at what cost. Vampires may not even like living forever. Why? Because they are living as the same person, they don’t even get to be someone else. How limiting is that. Some people will agree one life is enough to face all their inequities – perhaps Christians - but then there is the wait for the grandiose rapture day. They say it is equivalent to an instant you spend in “the grave” but really, how do they know.[1]
That’s ok though -
At least the Buddhists allow you to come back as a new person without persistent blood cravings. Yes, people must try again and again until they reach Nirvana but they can sleep in a regular bed in the evening. Makes a body feel kind of snuggly just thinking about it.
But it is not so snuggly on the path to Nirvana. Oh, no. There’s desire, suffering, attachment, despair, poverty perhaps and don’t even start with the ego. My intuition tells me there is dirt, and hard-to-wear sandels involved as well. These are the things the Buddhist struggles with daily, as well as your average person-on-the-street . No struggle for you? – Ok; why are you going to Best Buy, take off your designer jeans and give me your Iphone.
Let’s look at the basic drawbacks of being a Vampire.
They have to chase their prey and drink blood for physical sustenance. (no one knows what they do for their spiritual side)[2]. They pretend to be someone they are not, they can’t check themselves out in a mirror, they have to avoid silver bullets with crosses on them as well as garlic. They sleep or hide in the daytime - if they have not been frugal for however many hundreds of years they have to have a night job. They have a general wariness of sharp, wooden objects. They try and make it back to the coffin by daybreak so… they have to acquire desperately fine running shoes (if for some reason they cannot fly at that moment).
I’m sorry but vampires really disappoint others. They live to see a lot of their friends die (if they haven’t already “helped” them into Vampirism). They have been historically labeled as having OCD as they obsessively count – the reason for millet or rice being put around their graves – too busy to kill, have to count.[3] They must make radical adjustments to dramatically changed time periods, they are asked to fulfill others fantasies of what they should be like (actually that is a basic human psycho-trait as well). They have to put up with in inane, tiresome, absolutely exhausting stereotypes and Hollywood caricatures of vampires. They must always be on the lookout for being “outed” as a vampire which equals anxiety. Since vampires are often employed as night security officers, they must curb their instincts to fly, become a bat or show Herculean strength – that’s frustrating – to have the skills but not be able to use them.
Some good news; recently as noted on television’s True Blood series – a synthetic blood has been developed that seems to keep vampire hunger at bay. However, studies published by the New England Journal of Medicine shed new light on a long line of complications associated with this FDA approved “medicine-food”. Some side effects were malaise, melancholia, extreme paranoia, and serial killing but the latter presents its own set of decision making challenges. Anyway, there’s nothing like the real thing.
On the not too bright side (in keeping with a theme), their body weight usually leans to the thin side and sometimes they might look stridently pale which can be an advantage if a person is a skinny model. (otherwise, there is the possibility it might blow your cover – it’s a fine line).
Getting back to the Buddhists; they might have to lead a sparse, hermetic life depending on their family. Especially in the United States, itinerant Buddhists will have to get used to people staring longingly at them - like they know God. Some people are always looking for signs from God, so they might mistake a long robed person for Jesus. So I suggest potential monks just chill and go with the flow. As a member of an institution - monks get to ring bells (thank you Pablo Neruda), pray, meditate, eat some rice and tea. There might not be a lot of variety on the gastronomical front. Life for monks might include lovely, scenic views high in the mountains.
Buddhists have to read the stories valued sages have written to enlighten people since time immemorial. I will have to say on the part of the masters, they did keep stories short and to the point. It seems to be that they bring up situations to challenge your enlightenment quotient. Some lucky Buddhists may get to know what the sound of one hand clapping is or maybe the answer to the ol’ tree in the woods story. There’s a lot to look forward to.
If you are a regular, run-of-the-mill Buddhist you can just practice having no expectations or ask the monks to take you in – just don’t “expect” a positive answer. They are usually pretty good about that as long as you are serious.[4] Many groups even take women now so they can’t use that as an excuse. I have not investigated how the patriarchy works in modern ”monkdom” so anyone out there with some insight is welcome to weigh in.
There are pluses and minuses to any life decision so it is up to you to choose. Best of luck and enjoy your choice. And, don’t forget to take personal responsibility for it… oh; sorry, Buddhist throwback.
[1] (Probably like when they tell you the shot won’t hurt. ). Well, the big rapture may be like graduation for some of them but for others it is just another failure in the long line of schooling experiences that started with kindergarten – but more bitter and hot. (There is also the particular, Christian, blood drinking ritual but that is another story).
[2] Word’s out historically they have no souls – (sad face here)
[3] Example of Arithmomania: obsessive counting. Note: Used in the television series: Monk. Main character, Adrian Monk, counts poles on a footpath, counts his own phobias.
[4] Reference: Leonard Cohan
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